a gen z guide to touching grass
8 tips for finding friends, faking confidence, and attempting to like life
this story was supposed to be something else. i was halfway through a deep dive into yet another iteration of the timely gen z topics: we’re devastatingly lonely, our screen times are out of control, we don’t know how to date, we’ve killed small talk and third spaces, our social anxiety is worsening by the minute, etc. etc.. however, i decided to scrap it all.
these headlines practically write themselves, because they’re not just relatable — they're pressing. i mean, 73% of gen z reports feeling alone sometimes or all the time. 75% feel anxious about making phone calls. most young adults average 7+ hours of screen time per day. the kids are clearly not alright.
but while i was busy bemoaning how broken we all are and how our futures are totally f✨cked, i realized the internet doesn’t really need another think piece — it needs practical solutions.
so, rather than hopping on the alarmism bandwagon and cyberbullying my generation into touching grass (edit: i will likely still do this at a later date), i’ve compiled some tips in hopes they’ll be useful to a few gen z’ers grappling with loneliness and social anxiety in our super-strange-and-complicated digital age.
as someone who’s built a vibrant social life using these hacks and who is now widely described as “a pleasure to have at the function,” i can attest to their efficacy. i’ve also made sure to consult my happiest and most confident friends for actionable strategies on how we can all try to enjoy a less anxious, more connected life.
so, without further ado:
tip #1: the obvious stuff
let’s get this out of the way: brush your teeth, go to therapy, flex your youthful vigor on some old people at zumba — do whatever you can to feel and look your best.
there’s really no way to write about this that doesn’t feel unbearably livelaughlove-esque, so i’ll keep my message brief: you need to think you’re at least a little cool before other people will.
tip #2: lie to everyone and yourself <3
i was a painfully shy kid, and my mom loved to remind me of that — even years after i decidedly outgrew it. altering my self-perception was an uphill battle, and i imagine it’s especially tough to shake this label if you’ve been carrying it with you for decades.
if you’re a shy person who grew up on the internet, you’ve likely built your identity upon any range of trendy diagnoses — maybe you’re an INTJ, or a black cat girlfriend, or if you’re a millennial, “a smol awkward bean. 🥺”
if you find joy in keeping to yourself, then by all means, go for it. but if you have any interest in updating your identity, just lie! try mentioning to a friend, “yeah, i don’t have trouble making small talk,” or “i’m super comfortable showing up to parties solo,” even if both make you want to rip your hair out.
with enough reps of white lies, you’ll either convince your subconscious that these declarations must be true, or you’ll succumb to the pressure of becoming the person you tell people you are.
chanting positive affirmations in the mirror might offer a nicely-branded band-aid, but external accountability is a far more efficient motivator.
tip #3: make your hangs nonrefundable
imagine this: you were feeling particularly inspired one afternoon and decided to book a 6 a.m. yoga class. that morning comes, and you’re consumed by unfathomable rage at the idea of leaving your cozy bed, yet still unwilling to lose that $26 deposit. you show up begrudgingly — and leave feeling zen as hell.
if your longterm goal is to build and maintain fruitful relationships, apply workout class logic to your social life.
bailing on friends is more convenient than ever thanks to social media, where people have framed flaking as an endearing and excusable quirk. it’s quite easy to turn this into a habit when the consequences aren’t immediately apparent — until you scroll past a pic of your friends riding jet skis in costa rica and they say your invite got lost in the mail.
so, say a girl at that same yoga class asks you to grab a coffee, and you’re flirting with the idea of cancelling on her to binge the sopranos for the fourth time. welp, that’s too bad — you’re not allowed.
in the worst case scenario, you leave this coffee date with a drained social battery and 8 less dollars. mid case scenario, she shares a fun fact about about taiwanese monkeys that you can re-tell at a dinner party, or she ends up being your divorce lawyer in 20 years. best case scenario, you build a mutually fulfilling friendship.
getting to know someone new can be intimidating, and at times, quite awkward. but humans have been doing it for, like, 200,000 years now, so it’s safe to assume you’re not an anomaly. you were quite literally born for this.
tip #4: skip the small talk — be insane
hate small talk? alright, then ask better, more whimsical questions. here are some starter prompts:
what job do you think you’d have as a medieval villager?
which forest animal best represents your aura?
(kiss), marry, kill any 3 U.S. presidents?
i’ve posed these questions to friends, uber drivers, strangers at the bar — pretty much anyone with functional vocal cords. you’d be surprised at the enthusiasm with which people craft their responses.
it at first feels taboo to break the unspoken rules of polite socialization, but it’s incredibly liberating to realize those standards were made up by old people with no swag. you can kinda say whatever you’d like if you say it with confidence and refuse to back down.
adults rarely allow themselves to feel silly and imaginative, so if you can be the person who encourages it, you’ll not only be appreciated, but probably admired. you'll also find strangers far more enjoyable once you realize their default scripts extend beyond chats about the weather.
if you think this advice is easier typed than done, pls refer to tip #5.
tip #5: dabble in identity theft
exercise: close your eyes and think of the most self-assured person you know.
let’s say it’s your cousin billy.
next time you’re tweaking about a job interview, or a first date, or a hangout where everyone went to school together and you’re conveniently left out of every inside joke, simply ask: WWBD?
try not to overthink this — just black out and snap into character.
most people weren’t born incredibly cool and socially-adept. like any skill, these require practice and fine-tuning. you’ll probably need to fumble at first to get to the fun part, but the only way out is through.
it’s extremely useful to remember that confidence isn’t some ethereal quality bestowed upon a fortunate few. if cousin billy can learn to navigate an uncertain social situation, there’s no reason you can’t do it too.
tip #6: ditch your desire to be mysterious
question for the class: which of these hits harder?
a. “i thought you were so nice when i first met you.”
b. “i thought you were so intimidating when i first met you.”
i bet a lot of you chose b. it’s okay, i did too. i fear that too many years of manic pixie dream girl discourse led us to believe that being hard-to-read is the highest form of flattery. unfortunately for us and zooey deschanel, this label is pretty useless in the real world.
curating the perfectly elusive public persona is an exhausting ordeal. it adds unnecessary layers of self-analysis and performance to the otherwise simple task of just chit chattin’.
not to mention, mystery has short shelf life. intimidating people might seem alluring at first, but they aren’t routinely invited to hang out. wanna know who is? good ol’ nice people.
so, next time you’re battling anxiety butterflies in a conversation, wondering what profound insight to share or how to perfectly time your next witty interjection, just focus on something much simpler: being a sweetie pie.
literally everyone loves smiles and compliments, and luckily, it’s pretty uncomplicated to give them out. even the most unbearable kindness beats an RBF, so if you’re stressing about how to come off just-the-right-level of nonchalant, default to being a ray of sunshine instead. 🌞
tip #7: be the gift that keeps on giving
in our individualistic hellscape of protecting your peace and not owing anyone anything, it’s easy to stand out by being someone who gives.
before anyone rage-comments that being generous is an exhausting, money-sucking, thankless act, pls save it for your diary. generosity can literally be as simple as telling a stranger you like their hat, or holding the door for someone, or texting your stressed-out friend a picture of a duck riding a horse and saying “us.”
once again, social media has popularized the practice of ghosting friends for weeks on end when you're feeling drained, or disregarding any person who doesn't currently benefit you.
while we all need brief breaks from reality, next time you’re lost in hours of anxious doomscrolling, perhaps remind yourself that tiktok can’t play with your hair or pick you up from the airport — that’s what humans are for, and most are a 30-second text away.
sure, you’re not technically obligated to talk to cashiers, or spend money on your friend’s birthday dinner, or respond to your grandma’s calls, but to become well-adjusted and well-received, you do have to give a little.
bonus tip: it’s not only polite but socially advantageous to bring a little gift to a social gathering. it will help people remember you and open the door for easy conversation (extra points if the gift has an interesting story attached).
tip #8: flash those pearly whites
“just get off your phone and smile!”
you’ve probably heard this advice from a well-intentioned family friend or some instagram dating guru. i certainly have, and i always thought it was dumb. like, i’m really going to walk through the streets cheesing like a little freak?
the bad news is that this actually works. the good news is that it doesn’t have to be weird.
next time someone gets in the elevator with you, give them a quick dad smirk. or if you’re nervous to walk into an event, try smiling for the first 10 seconds after stepping through the door. you can go back to being nervous afterwards, but at least a few onlookers will have picked up on your confidence and good vibe.
as my favorite midwestern kitchen deco quote so eloquently puts it, “smile at the world and the world will smile back.” it’s incredibly on-point in both a woo-woo way and a tactical way. a few fast smiles can inspire a whole optimism-inducing chain of events.
i force a smile at a few strangers → i get some smiles back → i subconsciously realize that people mostly aren’t as evil as the internet makes them seem → the world seems a little nicer than before → i start to smile just ‘cause.
if you liked this, check out the next edition: a gen z guide to enjoying dating
Something I wish someone told me was that was that you, 🫵 the person reading the internet for social advice, need to be the one making some kind of first move, whether it’s initiating conversation, asking to hang, or even setting up some group or event yourself. I organized a meetup for my internet friends and had a great time, and I met my girlfriend at a housewarming party I planned. As a generation, we’ve elevated being turned down to the worst possible kind of social disaster when it’s actually a massive weight off your chest. And if they were legitimately busy or shy, then it signals to them that you’re down for something when they’re available.
Great advice and a great read, as always! The one piece of advice that I have to add is just an addition to one of yours — don’t be afraid to be cringe. I literally don’t even know if this is something that Gen Z folks actually say or care about, but we old millennials hear that “the young people say we’re cringe,” so I’m going with it.
I constantly meet people who feel weird about sharing some of their personal interests that may be viewed as uncool, but who cares what’s cool? Just do your thing, like what you like, and I can speak from personal experience that most people will respond positively to your passion, even if they don’t know or care about it themselves.
To summarize my longwinded response: being genuine goes a long, long way.